The Wood Between the Worlds

2005-12-03T16:50:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm a bad person, I haven't posted for at least 2 weeks. More like 3. Sheesh. So while I think of something original to write about, here's a bit of info about me, the subject headings of which I shamelessly copied from a friend's blog. Her answers were much more pithy and witty and self-expressing. We'll see how I do.

7 Celebrity Crushes
Colin Firth
The guy who played Gilbert Blythe on the made for TV Anne of Green Gables
Johnny Depp
Harrison Ford (the "Indiana" days)
...and that's about it. I'm really not much into the whole celebrity crush thing.

7 Things I'm Good At
Recommending wine
Baking cookies
Running long distances
Organizing things
Talking to people
Decorating Christmas trees
Putting together puzzles

7 Things I Plan to Do Before I Die
Publish a work of prose
Have a job I love
Visit Ireland/Scotland
Have a few good lifetime friends
Buy a house with some woods around it
Hike the whole PCT (in sections)
Run a marathon

7 Things I Cannot Do:
Make a decision quickly
Open my closet without feeling like I need to organize it - again
Successfully keep my kitchen clean for more than 1 hour at a time
Keep a straight face when telling a joke
Smell asparagus without gagging
Open a bottle of wine without making it POP obnoxiously
Drink coffee black

...and that's all I have time for. Much more important things to do now, yes, much more important things to do. Check back soon for some interesting thoughts on the job hunt that everyone I know is going through right now. Later, friends.

Snow Day Pictures!

2005-11-14T18:12:00.000-08:00

2005-11-14T12:26:00.001-08:00

What's that off in the distance? A bird? A plane?

2005-11-14T12:26:00.000-08:00

Well, if you're going to die on Mt. Hood, you might as well get a good picture out of it!

2005-11-14T12:25:00.000-08:00

I think I'm being dragged up the mountain...

2005-11-14T12:24:00.000-08:00

Very Cute... but does this parka make my butt look big???

Phew.

2005-11-13T12:10:00.000-08:00

Well, the Wedding of the Century is over. The vows have been said, the cake has been cut, and some of us bridesmaids are still nursing our blisters from busting some wicked moves all over that faux wood dance floor.

It was quite lovely. Everything flowed, there were few behind the scenes glitches, and no one even stumbled during the ceremony. Perfect. I had a great time, the bride and groom had a great time, and all of their guests had a great time.

So now that it's the next day and my hair is still looking as neat and tidy as ever (I think I saw my stylist empty two whole cans of hair spray in the creation of my 'do), my thoughts yet again rest on the idea of getting married. It seems that I've reached the age when quite a few of my friends are starting down the path to getting hitched. I swear, sometimes I have to wake myself up and realize that I'm not 16 and being friends with engaged and married people isn't weird and 'old' anymore. I haven't really thought about marriage for myself in a while... but it seems that now my idea of getting married has changed. I used to look on it as this romantic idealistic thing... well, I still do, but the whole thought of getting hitched kind of makes me twitch. If anyone has seen that Sex and the City episode when Carrie gets hyperventilates and gets hives after trying on a wedding dress and believes that her body is 'physically rejecting the idea of marriage' knows what I'm talking about.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I was standing at the front of a church yesterday, only inches away from my best friend while she was commiting herself to the man she loves, I placed myself in her shoes. It scared me so much that I nearly dropped my bouquet, but I couldn't help but want that for myself despite my fear. Maybe when a person comes to the realization that the person they are with now is a person they could see themselves with forever then the whole idea gets less scary and more desirable. Maybe, hopefully, God will put that in my path someday, when He has made me ready for it. And hopefully without the hives.

Here's something decidedly less serious.

2005-11-07T17:42:00.000-08:00

"Her body moved with the frankness that comes from solitary habits. But solitude is only a human presumption. Every quiet step is thunder to beetle life underfoot; every choice is a world made new for the chosen. All secrets are witnessed. "

- Barbara Kingsolver, Prodigal Summer

Clearing Up a Few Things

2005-11-06T13:49:00.000-08:00

Okay. So it's the morning after.... the big event at the winery, that is. The last day and a half has been a total learning experience, in all of the best and worst ways. Following is a quick explanation of just a handful of occurances from the previous 36 hours:

- I am not dating either a bat or a caveman. Or even a half-bat half-caveman. He's a great guy that just happens to camp out with other people in caves sometimes. If anything, that would make him a bear. But he's not.

- One glass of wine does not a drunk person make. I swear last night there were people who would practically fall over my table after just one glass of Pinot gris. Riiiight.

- I can kick down a door. Ask me for details on that story.

- I am able to work continuously for over 14 hours on 4 hours of sleep and no food and have a fabulous time.

- Moms are always the best ones to call after you've been locked in a tiny hallway for nearly 2 hours.

- One can actually learn a few things from watching MacGuyver. And I totally thought all those hours were just wasted time. Hah!

- Word of blog travels faster than word of mouth.

... And I'm done. Have yourselves a great day, I'm going to have a glass of wine. Or a bottle. Whatever.

Goodbye Sleep, Hello Somebody!

2005-11-02T13:57:00.000-08:00

Ah. A lack of sleep has never been so sweet.

I ask this - why, when you mean someone new, does regard for work, time, and completing tasks that make life possible (like grocery shopping, sleep, etc.) just fly right out the window?

Suddenly, staying up and talking until 4 AM and getting 3 hours of sleep before a huge day at work seems very acceptable, even normal. Suddenly, it's totally okay that you're living on ramen noodles and peanut butter because you would rather meet up with that someone new after work instead of going to the store. And suddenly, you find yourself being incredibly preoccupied and smiling for no reason, making everyone around you think you're on something or have some sort of evil plan.

Well, I have no evil plan. Some evil thoughts maybe, but no evil plan. No, I'm just preoccupied with the best things in the world to be preoccupied with - the memory of holding hands, the thought of a past conversation, and being excited about what's yet to be.

What Is a Modern Girl To Do?

2005-10-30T14:20:00.000-08:00

I recently read a very long article that was incredibly worth my while, if only for the fact that someone has written down (in a very eloquent way) my thoughts (which aren't very eloquent at all). I discussed the issue today with a dear friend of mine and it's been on my mind ever since.

The issue: What is a modern girl to do?

It's a fascinating subject, really. How do women act feminine without being feminist; how is a woman supposed to be forthright, forthcoming and set forth a positive path for themselves without putting forth the image of a bitch? I've been dealing with this idea lately in work and play: how to be equal to a man without being a man.

In work these days I seem to be struggling with how to make a name for myself and stay true to myself at the same time in the increasingly more challenging world of business. How do I put my talents and abilities on display without seeming more ballsy than my position allows? Why do I even feel put in that box to begin with? And why, oh why, is it okay for men to be outwardly and even agressively ambitious and it is praised? Even among the "you can be anything you want to be"s and "don't let anything hold you down"s I and every other girl of my generation got hammered into our heads as young girls, I still feel like I am not in a position to rise above and to challenge the male powers that be, despite my good ideas and superior intellect (okay, not that, but I do have some good ideas). The American educational society has raised us to be an era of women that believes that as long as we are dedicated, capable, proactive and have a few brains that we will indeed have wonderful and amazing careers and lives.

Where does all of this fit in with the idea of not selling yourself short as a woman? At my last place of employment, it was perfectly acceptable for the men to get angry, yell, curse, and be stereotypically masculine from time to time to get their business point across. However, if a woman was the recipient of that stereotypical masculinity and happened to burst into tears, we were considered less professional. Which begs the question - does a woman need to act like a man to be considered equal?

So back to my point about being raised with the idea that if you're smart, capable and with it, you will have an amazing life. I don't know if that's written down anywhere, but every woman I know under 25 feels as if that is what she was led to believe. But what about outside the working world - the strange, mysterious world of love and dating? If we are encouraged to drop the stereotypical woman's facade for our jobs, how do we trasition back into stereotypical female roles when it comes to the opposite gender? If we're supposed to wear pants at work and skirts on dates... well, how does anyone do it without going crazy?

Is that just how it is? Maybe. Maybe I'm supposed to rage against the idea of being just a man's secretary but be giddy about letting a man pay for my dinner. Maybe I'm supposed to be more agressive at my job and less aggressive about getting a goodnight kiss. All I know is that I enjoy feeling feminine while out with a guy I'm liking. I like feeling as if my role as a woman is respected and admired and even has a little bit of fascinating mysteriousness to it. I like believing that curves and flirting and being selectively seductive are just parts of my femininity that are positive, and attractive, in addition of course to my brains and humor and everything else that makes up me. And I hate feeling feminine at work - all of those things that are so great about being a girl become nearly monumental obstacles to overcome once I clock in.

Where is all this going? No idea. But since I've recently been elevated in responsibility in my job and since I've recently been seeing a very sweet (if slightly mysterious) man, I've discovered that my desirable roles in each position are 180 degrees apart. Interesting to think about. I hope I get some comments on this.

On the Square: My Approach to Being Well-Rounded

2005-10-26T16:09:00.000-07:00

This whole "don't blog at work" thing and the whole "not having internet access anywhere besides work" issue is really putting a cramp in my blogging style. I'd love to write more, as it seems that every day something ridiculous/funny/thought-provoking/sad/frustrating/interesting happens that is worth at least a quick write up. The final result? Me trying to cram 2 weeks worth of thoughts and events into one little blog and hoping that someone will read it and comment, proving to me and the world that my life is, indeed, worth commenting on.

My big issues (events? happenings? occurances?) in the past days have all involved coordination and planning of events. With the heading up of my company's 5th anniversary falling in my lap just recently and with my best friend's wedding coming up in about 2 weeks, 3 days and 1.5 hours, it seems as if working out the precise location and timing of people and things is about all I do these days. Is it frustrating? Yes. Do I love it? Yes.

It occured to me today that to plan large scale events, one has to be extremely well rounded. Because my well-roundedness is always a matter of discussion, I'm finding it a challenge to coordinate all the details of these two celebrations. Some things I've learned:

It Pays to be Punctual: It just does. Being even a minute late or even not taking an extra minute to be prepared beforehand for a meeting planned days or weeks in advance can prove slightly frustrating for some people. By "slightly" I actually mean "very" and by "some people" I mean "me."
Pay Attention to People: Very rarely does someone plan a huge event for themselves and carry out all the details. This means that there is always people/an organization/an idea/an ego to be watched out for. Very rarely does running an event take only one person, as well. I've learned within the past few days that it's always better to shoulder something yourself than to burden someone else above you on the Event Chain of Command. Quite conversely, I've always learned it's better to delegate to someone lower than you on the Event Chain of Command than to try and shoulder everything yourself. A delicate balance that I haven't quite mastered but I think I've got the "be considerate of people's time and energy for for God's sake always act positive even if you don't feel that way" part down.
The Event Chain of Command: Very useful to know of the Chain's existence. Would have been very useful to know sooner in my case, but now that I think I have the "delegate instead of shoulder everything" part under control, I'm doing just fine.
HEAD: The main person/people/organization that the event is for. Often times this person, or the person in charge of the organization, is the ultimate decision maker and is footing the bills. Without the head the whole event wouldn't really have a point.
TORSO: That's me, kind of the second in command, the person who is in charge of connecting all the parts and making sure they are all where the need to be and going where they need to go.
LEGS: The other players in the event, like the band, caterers, etc. In the case of the company event I'm planning, I have 8 legs to keep track of. Holy crap.
ARMS: Sure, without arms you can still get up and get going, but it won't look pretty. This category includes all the people who are helping out. For my friend's wedding, this would be all the ushers, servers, guest book signers and various cousins and whatnot that are all helping out.

So yeah. I've had a lot on my mind and a lot to keep track of. The best part is - both events are going to be great, I'm proud of them, and it's fun to do. Life will be so sweet on November 13 when both are over, however.

SHAMELESS PLUG: Come to Urban Wineworks' big 5th Anniversary party on November 5th! It will run from 5 - 10 PM, so show up whenever you like. There will be 5 caterers with FREE FOOD, a five piece band, and all wines will be $5 a glass - even our 5th Anniversary Blend made of 5 different wines and blended by yours truly. It's going to be a kick in the pants, so show up in Portland at NW 16th and Flanders. Be there or be... somewhere else.

2005-10-13T12:25:00.000-07:00

So it's true: I actually did try and write a blog entry last week about my thoughts following a friend's wedding and my thoughts about marriage and the road to getting married. Perhaps sometime soon I'll try to resurrect my thoughts on the matter, considering they were witty, intelligent and without a hint of sarcasm or cynicism. Sidenote: yesterday I realized it had been exactly 6 months since no more Jon. Since then, I've gone on dates with Draft Card Burning Liberal, Matt the CPA, had a huge crush frizzle out into nothingness, and been given several promising looks in coffee shops. Am I disappointed? Not really.

A friend of mine told me that if I want to catch a man, that I should go to a coffee shop and read and sip a raspberry mocha to look all cute and smart. I find this interesting because reading is difficult at a coffee shop with all the distractions, and I don't normally dress up to 'look cute' in order to read OR get coffee. So the whole thing would be quite pretentious and I just don't think I'd be good at it at all. Also... I'm just not sure that I want to 'catch a man.' I would like, someday, preferrably sooner than later, to catch THE man. I don't want to just date a bunch of people, I'd like to find one that I'll want to keep around for a while. I wonder what the odds are on that.

Another friend told me that the man of my dreams is so wonderful and not at all like the fickle, unsure and frustrating ones I've dated in the past that God is taking a little longer to prepare me for the onslaught of wonderfulness. Now that's an idea I can get behind.

These are just some simple, short thoughts on the very beginning of the idea of finding someone to love. In these six months since Jon I've learned a lot, most importantly to look for someone who wants to date me to learn more about me and what the two of us are like together and to have a kick ass fun time, not for any other reasons. So I'll continue to keep on keeping on and enjoy my time in the big city and keep meeting cool new people and tasting fun wines and hopefully those experiences will lead me down the road God has created for me, and somewhere down the line my road will join with some wonderful man's road and we'll walk down it together. And we'll be all cute and hold hands and smell flowers and stuff.

PS - Fish update. For those of you that I haven't talked with in the last week, I bought some friends. i bought four, they were worth 12 cents apiece, which was a bargain... or so I thought! Their names are (were) Robin Hood, Maid Marian, Friar Tuck and Little John. Little John, of course, was the porker and when I woke up this morning I was shocked and sad to discover that Little John had gone the way of the dinosaur. One scoop and two flushes later, the remains of Little John are gone. I think Robin Hood is seriously depressed about it because he just lies on the rocks at the bottom of the tank looking all forlorn. Maid Marian is as frisky as ever and I think that Friar Tuck is secretly in love with Robin Hood because he just kind of swims back and forth around Robin in support. So yeah. I'll keep you updated on the latest.

Boo hiss.

2005-10-09T00:49:00.000-07:00

So I just wrote a really great blog. No really. I did. You would have liked it. However, I clicked the publish post button and, whoops, a page came up that said it couldn't be displayed and when I pressed the back button, all of my beautiful prose had disappeared into cyberspace.

Boo hiss. More later.

2005-09-29T12:02:00.000-07:00

Another week in the big city. And all I can say is... wha?

I'm beginning to feel I was duped into my job. It's not that I don't like it. Sometimes. It's just that it's not at all what I signed up for. And it's not that I'm not learning anything about wine. Because I am. It's just that I'm not learning anything about marketing, my apparent chosen profession.

Some days I get so frustrated that I actually wear a frown on my face (a big deal for smiley me). I'm trying to remember on a daily basis what some wise person or another told me once... that God is the ultimate boss, and that He sees everything and therefore, even if we feel that our job isn't that super that day we shouldn't half-ass it because as Christians we're working for God and God doesn't like half-ass employees.* So yeah, I try to keep that in mind on the days when I question the necessity of going to work.

However, although my position isn't what I expected, I am learning a lot about wine and the industry, and it's fascinating. I can't think of any other job where you're actually required at some points to drink (or taste) on the job, and where if you come in with a hangover, it's okay as long as it was from high end pinot noir (not that f-ing merlot).

Again, today, I'm heading from Portland down to Salem for some social interaction. I never thought that the tables would be turned on me and that I'd be going to Salem for entertainment and good times. Sheesh.

So this week's self appointed task is: love thy job, or at least, the fact that I have a job at all and athat I'm learning a few things about an industry that I'm interested in. And even though I'm not the CEO** and can't change my job description, I can work my hardest to make the position I'm in one in which I can feel successful no matter what I'm doing. Remind me of all this on Monday.

* By "we" I mean "I" and the phrase "half-ass" relates in no way to writing blogs during work time.
** But if I was the CEO, I'd be the best CEO EVER. Yeah.

Little Girl in the Big City

2005-09-22T15:05:00.000-07:00

I know, I know - I'm pulling a major Quinn. It's been a while since my last post (which wasn't really a blog post.at all). Sigh. Such is the life when you are in a new city, in a new apartment, with new things to do and no internet service.

It's been a busy time for me these past few weeks. I've moved into my new apartment and started my two new jobs, and ever-so-slowly I've been learning the nuances and unspoken rules of living in a city.

1. Things make noise. There are noises all the time. My old building sounds like it's sighing every 5 minutes or so. My upstairs neighbors like to listen to New Age Jazz when they get up in the morning. Drunk people laugh loudly below my window at night. The garbage truck passes by at least once a day. It's loud in the city.
2. When using the old fashioned method of transportation called feet, there are a couple rules of thumb. Yes, it might be chilly when heading out in the morning. However, after walking 10 blocks uphill, it won't seem so bad, in fact, you'll feel like you're burning up if you have more than a t-shirt on. Don't wear a coat if it's just chilly. Also, if you walk just a few short blocks like I do to the grocery store, don't buy more than you can carry for a few short blocks. I learned this very quickly after my first trip.
3. Parking spots are incredibly hard to come by. I rate myself for my finding-a-parking-spot prowess. Gold medal for a spot right in front of my building, silver medal for a spot within two blocks, and a flaming sack of dog poo for anything more than 3 blocks away. This works the same way for quarters that are to be used in the basement washing machines - gold medal if I have enough to wash and dry all of my clothes, silver if I have enough to completely finish one load, flaming sack of dog poo if I get done with the wash cycle and realize I don't have enough for the drying machine.
4. Living alone is a blessing and a curse. I find myself going back and forth, often within the same thought, between "I'm so glad I live alone and don't have anyone else to answer to but myself!" and "I am completed isolated in my Fortress of Solitude. I could die in here and no one would know until weeks later when they have an exterminator come in to investigate the smell."
5. People are only nice if you are nice to them first.

It is my goal, neigh, my responsibility, to report the funny, simple, and strange stories of my life in the city. I'll do my best to write as often as possible. Until then, you are all free to come visit me in Portland in my Fortress of Solitude anytime you like. :o)

New Joysey

2005-08-24T00:12:00.000-07:00

I'm heading off to New Jersey early tomorrow morning to visit my dear friend Olivia. A day in Philly, a day at the Shore and a day in NYC... oh my! I'll do my best to write from the road, and tell all about my (mis)adventures as soon as I get back...

Well, I'll Be Darned

2005-08-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

WHEW!!!

I never knew I could be so overwhelmed, excited, happy and apprehensive at the same time. Except for maybe during my rare McDonald's binges.

So I have not one, but TWO new jobs in the wine industry. Last weekend I had not one but TWO first days. Now that I've conquered the hard part of letting my current job know that I'm leaving *tear*, I've got to figure out how I'm going to work out training for two new jobs, finish up a third job, find a place to live in NW Portland and keep my head from spinning off.

I've got my heart and head on the line in a few different places, and I'm really happy and looking forward to finding out how that will work out. I'm going to miss Salem and all of my friends and family here, but living in Portland and starting a new profession will be so exciting that I can hardly stand it. I'm sure all of the people close to me can hardly stand it either since I've been talking about it so much. But that's a different topic to mull over (haha, get it? Industry joke).

If anyone knows of a cute little studio apartment in a nice neighborhood in NW Portland, I'd sure appreciate it. In the meantime, thanks to everyone for their continuing support and check out the websites of my soon-to-be employers:

www.sokolblosser.com

www.urbanwineworks.com

Don't look behind the curtain!!!

2005-08-11T23:31:00.000-07:00

... because you might see the Great and Powerful Oz.

... or just me, holding the controls.

So many exciting things have happened in the last few days. Just a week and a half ago I was confessing to my girlfriends how frustrating it is to not have anything you hope for come true. And now look at me! I'm a total wreck. In all the right ways, I mean.

I accepted a position at Sokol Blosser Winery in their tasting room 2 days a week. I'm very excited about it!!! Meeting people, learning about the industry, getting discounts on wine... we should all be so lucky. I start on Sunday. Also, I had a second interview with Urban Wineworks today. It went something like this...

"Everything looks great!... but, uh, we won't know for about a week or so."
"Okay."
"I mean, it's not like we're going to decide tonight or anything, you know?"
"Yeah, I know."
"But, uh, if we did hire you... purely hypothetical, mind you... when do you need to let your employer know? And, by the way, what are good days for training in between then? Just wondering. We ask all of our applicants that."
"Sure..."

I hope to get a call from them soon. I am scared about changing jobs, and I'm more than a little worried about the money situation, and I'm a little anxious about the moving to another city and starting over situation. Everything is just being dumped in my lap so fast... it seems so coordinated that I can't help but feel that God was hiding behind a bush or something in my backyard when I was telling my concerns about life to my friends, and He rubbed His hands together and said, "She wants something to happen, eh? We'll see about that!" At which point He piles it on and makes it possible for me to accept two new jobs in a week and a half. Yikes!

Sometimes in this process I feel abnormally powerful and courageous and independent, and sometimes, behind the curtain of all that, I feel like I'm spinning out of control, jumping in too deep, and just alone. And I guess I feel kind of cool, too. :o) Maybe they'll let me crush grapes with my feet.

Love Is Blinding If the Timing's Never Right

2005-08-08T12:33:00.000-07:00

I’m Ms. Waiting, ever patient can’t you see
I’m the same the way you left me in a hurry to spell check me
And I’m underlined already in envy green and pencil red
I’ve forgotten what you’ve said, will you stop working for the dead
And return, Mr. Curious, I need some inspiration.
It’s my birthday and I cannot find no cause for celebration.
The scenario is grave but I’ll be braver when you save me
From this situation laden with hearsay.

I’m looking for love this time
Sounding hopeful but it’s making me cry
This love is a mystery, Mr. Curiosity,
Be Mr. Please Do Come And Find Me.

Love is blinding if the timing’s never right.
But who am I to beg for difference?
Finding love in just an instant I don’t mind.
At least I tried.
I tried.

- Jason Mraz, Mr. Curiosity

No More 3-D Glasses!

2005-08-02T15:58:00.000-07:00

"No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently."
- Agnes de Mille

"I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free."
- Psalm 119:32

So picture this in your head for a minute. A little girl in a darkened movie theater, donned in 3-D glasses, sitting so far towards the end of her seat that you think at any moment she'll slip right off and land on the floor with a plunk but she never does. She's grabbing the air at images flying by her, thinking that the objects are right there, but they're not really. At first this is a fun game, and then she gets frustrated because although there are great things to touch all around her, she just can't quite reach any of them.

Now, picture me as the one in the 3-D glasses. You've got the analogy!

All summer long I've felt that God has kept me waiting on the edge of my seat for something, but all of the desires of my heart have gone totally unfulfilled. Not even just unfulfilled - totally and completely not even started except in my own mind. I wanted a puppy - not going to happen. I wanted a job in the Portland area - nothing but rejections. I wanted to move to Portland - got to wait for a job first. I was waiting for some huge life changes to come around, and none ever did. I started to wonder, as we all do: What the crap is wrong with me?

Finally, a few nights ago, I prayed that something would happen to give me a clue that I might be heading in the right direction and for God to change my heart so that I want what He wants for me. No, I didn't get a puppy. But I did get a call. I'm finally getting an interview with a local winery for a position in their tasting room a few days a week. I don't have the job yet, of course (even though of course I'm the most qualified applicant and it would be outrageous if they didn't pick me for the position), but God gave me what I needed - a tiny clue that something I was doing was going to go somewhere.

It's true, that first quote by Agnes up there - things that change your life don't necessarily come with a full brass band ahead of them to announce their presence. Sometimes I need to just sit back and make sure I'm on the right track with God. He'll make sure I'm heading in a direction that's good for me and glorifies Him.

2005-07-28T20:40:00.000-07:00

Beautiful Crater Lake from the fire lookout on Mt. Scott

2005-07-28T20:39:00.001-07:00

Quinn and Kitri... a little crazy looking after 4 days in the woods...

2005-07-28T20:39:00.000-07:00

Reflections of the Lake

2005-07-28T20:38:00.001-07:00

Mountain Girl! Kitri on Crater Peak

2005-07-28T20:38:00.000-07:00

Wizard Island

2005-07-28T20:37:00.000-07:00

Blue, Blue Crater Lake

Sleeping to Dream

2005-07-20T11:25:00.000-07:00

My favorite comedian, Mitch Hedberg, does a little sketch about how he hates dreaming. Who doesn't, really? I mean, you lay yourself down, all comfortable and warm in bed, and then the next thing you know you have to build a go-cart with your ex-landlord. What the heck?!?

So, as you can tell, I had pretty weird dreams last night. If anyone interprets these sort of things, I'd love an explanation! It started like this: I was at a get-together function with family and friends, only a few of which I actually knew. I saw a cute guy there, and the next thing I knew, it was the very next day and I was getting ready at a community center type place for my wedding to that man (which of course in my dream seemed perfectly normal). The time for the ceremony was drawing closer, and I was hanging around, looking for people that I knew at my wedding. I started to get upset because a whole bunch of guys from high school that were there and were dressed in grubby clothes. Didn't they realize that this was my wedding??? My dress was a little bit too big and my thick lace veil (like tablecloth thick lace) was weighing my hair down and my hairdo was starting to come undone. I tried to fix it, but I knew that the ceremony was about to start, so I ran to the end of the aisle and waited for my dad to join me there, but he didn't and the rest of the wedding party walked right by me and up the aisle. I was wringing my hands because the groom saw me before the right time, and no one in the wedding party seemed to notice my existence. At that moment, something happened outside the window of the community center and the whole crowd got up from their chairs while the music was playing (organ music - who picked that? Not me!) and ignored the fact that there was a wedding, MY wedding, going on.

At that point the garbage truck came by my house (real life now) and woke me up, thank God. I woke up wringing my hands and still fretting about my dress being too big. In my dream, the groom that as far as I know I'd never talked to before was kind of just a side note. Interesting? I don't know. I'm still a little upset that people came in jeans. :oD

On another (more reality-based) note, I am SO excited to go camping and hiking at Crater Lake this weekend! It's going to be great! I'm a little nervous about the possibility of camping alone on Thursday night, but it might be kind of nice at the same time. The site only has 16 spots, and from the guidebooks that I've read it fills up quickly, so getting there early will be key. Good times, good nature, good friends, good relaxing... yay! I hope to come back on Sunday all tuckered out, tan, scratched, big-bitten and with leaves and twigs and stuff in my hair. Perfect.

Is It Me? Or Everyone Else?

2005-07-15T16:42:00.000-07:00

You heard it here first: I have character flaws. What? you say. It can't be true! Well, my loyal and loving friends, it certainly is.

I have found myself getting so frustrated with people lately. I don't know if everyone has taken a big cannonball jump off the deep end (likely) or if it's just my own bad attitude (more likely), but I find myself sitting at my desk ('working') on a beautiful summer day, 15 minutes from 5 PM in the middle of a big fat mental funk.

My boss regailed me with hypothetical rhetoric for about 1.5 hours today. The only way I kept from A) falling asleep, B) becoming more and more convinced that to him, I was just a pair of ears to hear him blab, and C) getting up and pulling a classic "F-you, F-you, you're cool, F-you, I'm outta here" was keeping mental track of how many times he contradicted himself. (17, by the way. 2 were in the same sentence. I wasn't even aware that was possible.) See, it frustrated me, but at the same time I fully realized the delight of the hourly worker - I get paid the same no matter if I'm sitting there with a dopey smile on my face or actually getting some work done. So why should I care? I don't even know.

Also, anyone who knows me knows that I'm a planner. Yes, I like to have all my little duckies in a row before I do anything. I like spontaneousness, of course, but only when I didn't have something else planned beforehand. I'm crazy like that. So when plans, even minor ones, get changed on a whim, it takes me time to deal. But I can certainly handle it. However, I do get frustrated, and justifiably so I think, when there is a meaningless change in plans that directly affects my being able to or wanting to do something. I think I shouldn't get so bent out of shape... life and shit happens, right? Better to just deal than to sit and stew. But I can't help being upset when I look forward to something and then it gets pooped on.

Sigh. What's a girl to do? Oh, that's right. Go home and enjoy the weekend.

Goodbye to Yesterday

2005-07-13T13:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Leftover Sweet and Sour Pork,

When I was with you yesterday, you were perfect. Fresh, hot, delicious. But now, all of that is gone forever. When I opened my tiny Chinese carton in eager anticipation of the tastiness that I would find... well, let's just say it will be a while before I go to bed with dry eyes. You had changed! You were cold, you were chewy and dry, and the sauce that I had come to adore plopped out in one big brick. Never have I been disappointed quite like this. What a let down. But don't worry. I'll give another try tomorrow. Maybe your friend Pork Fried Rice would like to join in the fun, yes?

Love always,

Kitri

Let's Boogey

2005-07-08T13:45:00.000-07:00

So I've been thinking a lot today, and sadly, it's about a topic that I've had the occasion to think about a few times before.

Why do people pick their noses in bathroom stalls and wipe the boogeys on the wall?

Really, it's absurd. Let's look at placement. At first glance, a bathroom stall is an ideal location for picking boogeys, yes. It's private, there's a near-endless supply of bathroom tissue on hand, and there is a sink to wash up in when you're done. However, wiping the boogey on the wall? Not only does no one else want to look at your boogeys, but why the wall when you have roll upon roll of tissue at your beck and call? When you're done, you could just wad it up and flush the mess away.

Specifically, this last experience of mine offered some shocking results. This boogey that I found was on the door at eye level, straight ahead of me in the stall. Now, the stalls where I work offer plenty of leg room for maximum comfort and efficiency. I tried as hard as I could to reach the door from a sitting position... and I came up a good foot and a half short. My conclusions went thusly:

A) the culprit had to pick the boogey, stand up, walk to the door, lean over, and wipe it.
B) the culprit had freakishly long arms (and probably fingers too, which most likely added to digging power and thus explains the likewise freakishly large boogey as well).

Why would a person carry on in this manner? Why not do the civilized thing and simply blow into the readily available toilet paper and flush? Maybe some mysteries of human behavior will never be explained.

This weekend's installment: Expiration Date on the Mayo - Strict Rule or Mere Suggestion?

When Everything Seems Wrong

2005-07-06T19:35:00.000-07:00

When you come back to your senses
Your heart overcomes your pride
I’ll be here with an open mind
Here to break your fall from misery

You expect me to love just like you
Even though you won’t admit that
You sink your teeth into something
You figure it’ll come biting back

But I am not made to tag along
When everything seems wrong
I still can breath when you are gone
When everything seems wrong

I don’t know if we’d be better off
Living our own separate lives
Talking every once or twice
Whenever we need each other
I can’t picture another arm around you
Wonder how I would react
Would I scream and shout in anger,
Or would I maintain some tact?

You know that you’re my best friend
That kind of love will never run out
You know more about me than I know
Things I’d never dream of showing
But I can’t change the way I’m feeling
And I’m not asking for miles of room
Just a little time to fill my tank up
Before I'm friends again with you

When will you come back to your senses?

- Ari Hest

Old Home Week

2005-07-06T11:33:00.000-07:00

It's Old Home Week over here in Kitriland.

Blasts from the past have been popping up all over in weird places, like bugs in corners that you can't quite squash. I use that lovely mental-picture-creating verbiage because, like bugs, these events aren't that great. Kind of creepy, even.

Without going into much detail, it's very sad when something dear from your past crumbles before your eyes. This has happened to me twice this week. The first was contact out of the blue from an old flame... I thought that it would be great to hear from him but after our two conversations, I'm not sure I want to anymore unless he gets his head on straight. It's sad and terrible to see someone you once loved falling apart. I guess it hurts a little, not from a scorned lover's stance because I'm not in love, but just from the knowledge that someone I care about is making terrible mistakes that will rot himself and his relationships out from the inside whether he knows it or not. It's scary, and I'm worried for him. Being objectified by someone I used to want to marry - there's a new one - and that part makes me angry. But Jesus said rebuke and forgive... I hope I have the strength to do that in the future and to keep solid in case his heart changes and he realizes the destructive patterns in his life are like the proverbial millstone around the neck (see Luke 17:1-4).

It's funny how a terrible tragedy can turn to joy. Only months ago I was wrought in despair that the man I wanted to marry changed his mind. Now, I praise God that he did.

Also, I received a disturbing message last night from my brother. It seems as if my senior prom date, Isaac Bergevin, died in a car accident on July 3rd. I feel awful about this, for so many reasons. What a terrible loss of life... Isaac, although I didn't know him well when we went to prom together, was a great guy who succeeded thoroughly in having fun no matter what he did. He made everyone laugh - it was his idea that our prom group all wear flip flops to support the Filipino guy in our group who wasn't used to wearing tux shoes. When he asked me to prom, he had a friend (who was videotaping the whole thing) ask him, "Kitri just said yes. Where are you going next?" To which Isaac yelled, "I'm going to prom!" and he picked me up fireman-style and ran down the hall with me (much to my surprise) with a sign on his back that said "Viva Las Prom!"

To hear that he died so young (only 21) is terribly sad, and more than a little creepy. Last night I looked through my old prom pictures, though, and I had to smile. At least he's in a better place - but he'll be missed here, I'm sure.

Please pray for me over these things, because although they're not life-changing, I'm finding it difficult to sort through my thoughts and feelings about them.

How the Other Half Lives

2005-06-28T10:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, as a person of the girl variety, I have first hand knowledge of a secret:

Girls are dumb when it comes to men!

Seriously. Dumb. Some of the dumbest things I've done in my life have been because of guys. Now, I'm not writing males off completely, because I know that God has a good one out there for me somewhere whose weirdness and mine will mesh wonderfully and my dumbness will be at a remarkable minimum. That and I don't particularly want to be a lesbian.

Recently, though, I've been learning so much from my girlfriends (the non-lesbian ones) about life and love and not being dumb with guys. As a bonus, I'll let you in on the life lessons I've picked up just in the last week about dealing guys:

1. Guys will always look out for #1, and will avoid stepping in #2 in any situation, at any cost.
2. Any guy who invites you to a party where you know no one, then leaves you alone for a half hour with 75 gangbanging, gun carrying, dope dealing Mexicans while he goes and hits on a girl so drunk she doesn't even know her shirt is unbuttoned halfway, probably doesn't have your best interests at heart.
3. The best way to get rid of a persistant IM nighttime suitor is not to block him. Simply tell him that you're drunk and A) about ready to pass out, B) about ready to make out with your roommate's boyfriend, or C) about ready to cry to him about all of your personal baggage. All or none of these things, including actually being drunk, may or may not be true.
4. If you go on a date with a guy who says you're closed-minded because of your religious beliefs and that he is much more intelligent because he doesn't limit himself like you do, obviously doesn't have any idea what the meaning of closed-minded is.
5. A guy who out of the blue gets very personally and deeply interested in you and then wants to make out 5 minutes later, was never actually very interested in you at all. Well, maybe about what's in your pants, but that's about it.
6. Food is key. Especially honey bbq chicken.

I'm sure there's more, those are just the most useful. I love my girlfriends like none other, and I'd like to recognize the few that have made me less dumb about dealing with males: Katy, Christina, Sarah, Meg, Olivia, Kesha, and Jeni. Word.

PS - I'm not a bitter man-hater. Quite the opposite. I'm simply striving to deal with the Other Half in the smartest way possible and avoid getting stepped on. If there are any males who would like to aid me in this noble quest, I would most heartily appreciate the input.

Fool Me Twice... C'mon, I'll Let You

2005-06-24T23:39:00.000-07:00

I was told today by a very dear friend that I am a wimp, a pushover, a glutton for punishment.

Dear God, she was right.

As soon as she said it I knew it was true, it was like she had travelled through time and space from Seattle just to jump right in front of me and hold up a mirror. And quite unlike Alice, instead of going through the looking glass I fell and stumbled backwards and back down the rabbit hole. How does a person's life become an effigy of what they always knew in their heart wasn't what they long to be? How can one yell in defiance with all their might from their soul, yet a sly word and a coy smile are all that escapes into the real world? I don't know how I've become this person.

Life at times seems like such a sham, a game maybe. I tell myself that I am not the one writing the rules, that the games are being played on me by the ones in my life that stretch and bend what they know to be good and true and then lie by omission to everyone, directed at me but mostly to themselves, until the beautiful item that used to glow with love is twisted and deformed, made ugly and disgusting by the lies that they tell themselves and me and what they make 'okay' in their minds. But I know that the games aren't just being played on me. If I invite someone in and set the board, I know I can't feel betrayed and angry if they move the pieces in a way I don't like. And what do I expect? That they will let me win? Ha!

I find it amusing that the people in my life that tell me the ugly truth are far more valuable than those that continue to tell me beautiful lies. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, three times, four... well, we all know where the proverbial shame lies then.

So here I am. Bottom of the rabbit hole. With only my looking glass to cling to, I'm hoping to see a glimpse of beauty the next time I look into it. No where to go but up.

Today I Started a Fight at the Sausage Stand

2005-06-22T15:50:00.000-07:00

I love street fairs. There is one going on right now downtown, right below my window at work. Okay, it's not really my window. I look through a window, across the hallway and into someone else's office, and that person has a window to the street. It's like I'm almost there.

So at lunchtime I headed down there. The smell of fried Mexican food and elephant ears was intoxicating. I strolled happily down the street, fingering the merchandise and scanning the booths for ones that offered free tastes of the home-grown produce. A blackberry here, a strawberry there... mmm. Lunch was nearly taken care of until I passed the German sausage stand.

Backstory: There is really not much I like more than a good sausage. When I was living in Austria, there were little sidewalk kiosks all over the place called Wuerstlstundes that offered a huge variety of sausages, with buns (called Amerikan-style) or without, with mustard or without, with beer on the side or without. Yes, you could crack open a cold one and eat a sausage right there on the street and no one gave a hoot. It was like God had rained down little pieces of heaven for me on every street corner. Heaven with beer, that is.

So of course, German sausage for lunch it was. I caught a glimpse of a cute guy also at the stand checking me out, no doubt because of my gorgeously hip new hairdo. Upon second glace, that guy was about 35 with a ring on. Typical, but still flattering. I figure not a lot of guys would check out the girls who speed over to the sausage stand - the menfolk normally gather around the Veggies R' Us booth for the real alpha females. Points for my married 35 year old.

Anyway, so I talked with the lady at the stand in German for a while, and found out that her name was Hilde and she was from Munich and liked fried onions and Neuwein (wine that is only half fermented... very sweet and tasty). I also found out that Hilde's son's name was Jack and that he worked on the farm that produces the sausage I was so eagerly anticipating. Hilde told me that Munich is the best place in the world to live which of course brought a snort from the lady cooking my sausage, who fired back to her that the Black Forest was far superior. Hilde told her she was a stubborn cow that didn't know what she was talking about. They argued in German for a while, calling each other names, and all the while I just stood there, hoping that the Cow didn't burn my sausage.

It was actually a pretty fair fight, they would take turns yelling something foul in German, each one never interrupting the other until their full flow of obscenties had stopped. And oh, how those words flew! It was hard to pay attention for longer than a few seconds, they were really on fire - true trained professionals. Finally, just when I thought my sausage was a goner, Hilde, in true German style, grabbed it from the Cow and put it in a bun and handed it to me. Both turned and smiled and told me to have a nice day, like nothing had ever happened. They started giggling about something and I turned to devour my lunch in peace.

And that's how I started a fight at the sausage stand today.

Zen and the Art of German Shepherd Maintenance

2005-06-16T15:28:00.000-07:00

I think dogs have personalities very similar to people personalities. They have quirks, ticks, bad habits, good habits, and fun tricks. At my house, there happens to be a strong willed German shepherd with a forgetful, simple mindset. He reminds me of the Skipper on Gilligan's Island. "Hey, everybody, I'm in charge here... wait, why aren't you paying attention to me?"

So the other night I was out trying to put Foreman (a testimony to his size) in his room of the house for the night. Most unfortunately for all involved, he had already been fed that afternoon by our wonderfully helpful (but very shortsighted) House Mom, and so I had no incentive to draw him into his little room so our neighbors wouldn't call the cops (again) on us the next day because of his deafening barks.

So it's midnight, and I'm madly chasing after him through the yard with in my pajamas with the coat I threw on at the last minute flapping behind me. Surely it couldn't have been graceful (or tasteful) by any means. I try to call him, but I can't exactly yell because I don't want to give our neighbors the satisfaction of calling the cops on us (again). Foreman, of course, doesn't even remotely respond to my desperate cries, because hey, this is a fun game.

Yeah, so picture a crazy woman in the dead of night in her underwear yelling whispers at a dog who thinks this is the funniest amusement in the world. I could have served popcorn and strong drinks and sold tickets if I'd had the foresight to think of that beforehand.

Which I didn't, but maybe my neighbors did. I bet they made a killing. Stupid neighbors.

Tomorrow's installment: Hey, look at me. I'm "busy" at "work."

No, Thank You, I'll Take the Stairs.

2005-06-14T10:03:00.000-07:00

My life cracks me up sometimes. I've been seriously considering for the past 2 weeks or so that perhaps, just maybe, I lost any hint of a grasp on reality that I may have previously had. When did I lose it, you ask? The jury's still out on that one.

It all began last week when I went down to get coffee. It was about 9 AM, which is normally about the time that I sit up and realize that I've fallen asleep at my computer at work and have to pull out a compact to make sure I don't have a keyboard imprint across my face. I made the long trek downstairs, the aroma of Starbucks goodness perking me up like the old-school Foldger's TV commercials. However, when I got to the escalator, it was out of service. There was no tape, no warning sign, it just wasn't moving.

It was time to weigh my options.

Do I step onto the motionless staircase, knowing that at any second it might start up again and I would be hurled down the stairs and ground into hamburger at the bottom? Do I take two steps backwards and use the elevator? (Although, I must admit, that option didn't occur to me at the time - I was much too preoccupied by the task at hand.) So I took a timid leap onto the top of the staircase and paused, just knowing that it would start going backwards out of spite and that I would be thrown to my death. I continued down each step in this manner, not aware until I was halfway down, clenching both armrails in my fists and wearing a grimace on my face, that all of my possible future barista friends were downstairs laughing at me. It didn't cross my mind that I go up and down motionless stairs every day - and that normally I don't have a problem with stairs that move, either. Stairs that are supposed to move and don't, though, that's a horse of a different color.

So I laughed at myself and (cautiously and clenching only one arm rail) finished the task that should have been on Challenge of the Gladiators and got my coffee.

I took the elevator back.

This afternoon's installment: How to succeed at German shepherd maintenance without really trying.

The Right Kind of Patience

2005-06-06T12:02:00.000-07:00

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him." - Psalm 37:7

Does anyone else have a hard time putting this into practice? Lately I've become aware of the fact that I have little to no patience when it comes to making plans and overcoming obstacles. Why is that? An aquaintance of mine recently wrote in his blog: "'Patience is a virtue'. I know we hear that pretty often, and even if the Bible didn't tell us so, I think we'd know it. The truth is, growing in Christ is a slow process, and we need to wait on God at times longer than we would want to in our flesh."

I have to wonder if we're really "waiting on God" or if we just don't notice what He's doing. I've gotten frustrated lately wanting to immediately fix situations where I feel I've messed up; wanting to move along in my career, oh, yesterday or so; and being anxious over relationships, wanting to know answers right now to thoughts and feelings that might not be available for a long time - if ever. It recently occured to me that I might not be waiting on God. He's not just sitting up there with His Holy Finger up His nose, watching to see what pickle I get myself into before He reaches down to help me out.

In church on Sunday, the pastor reminded me that it's not God but Satan who whispers in our ears that the faults we have and the mistakes we've made make us lesser people in God's sight (it's funny that I know that whispering couldn't be God's voice, yet I still listen to it...). I know in my heart that that's true - I've been beating myself up over being impatient about things I can't control (and some I can), thinking that God and Jesus must be up in heaven throwing darts at a picture of my face for being this way. The fact of the matter is, He is working in my life right now. I can feel it. He is holding my hand when I’m thinking of (or in the middle of) making the wrong decisions. He’s whispering in my ear that even though I’m not perfect, He still loves me.

So, just because some areas in my life right now right now are confusing, tempting, frustrating, and creating anxiety in my life, I can't really say that I'm waiting on God to work in my heart to conquer those feelings. Because really, when is He not... and thank the Lord for that. What I really need to work on is not being patient for God to work in my life, but being patient and still so that I might notice what He's already doing.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

2005-06-01T23:25:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a while. I tried to make my blog look cooler, but I think that my lack of techie knowledge has caught up with me - there are crazy things floating all over this blog and I can't figure out html for the life of me. I guess there are a lot of things that I still have to learn... and let me tell ya, html isn't at the top of the list.

Lately, I have had some issues with important decisions that I needed to make... but that I felt I didn't have control over. There are those times when suddenly life comes rushing over your head before you have time to catch your breath, then suddenly without knowing it you are on a deserted island with not a drop to drink. To me, it's funny and entertaining - life is just life, and I figure we might as well make the best (and most) of it. But what about those times when there is no island? What happens when suddenly you realize that things that you've held to aren't there, and you're faced with the exciting - and terrifying - idea that you could float off to anywhere?

I'm trying to pray about things and not just go wherever the wind takes me, but my road seems pretty foggy right now. I'm not tied down to my job, I'm not tied down to people, or a man, or any groups, or even the bright, shining metropolis of Salem. Everyone I care about has said that that means that God has something amazing in store for me soon. What the heck does that mean, and how does it happen? Will it fall in my lap? Do I need to do something to bring it about? It's almost overwhelming, this feeling of vacancy, this notion of waiting for His will.

And it's exciting. I'm applying for jobs all over the northwest, and I feel I could move nearly anywhere and fit in. I'm still not sure what to do about all of the decisions that I have felt overcome by - wanting a dog, but not being able to get one, wanting to pursue a relationship and finding that what I thought was there wasn't, wanting a job at Linfield and finding that it wasn't what I thought it was at all...

Sigh. I keep telling myself that even those events will work together to create something much better in the end, but I know that even that isn't a guarantee. So I'll do my best to keep it exciting - opening doors, entertaining new ideas, and sitting and waiting and wishing for God's will to work in a bitchin' way in my life.

2005-05-18T18:48:00.000-07:00

Don't ask what happened the day after...

2005-05-18T18:47:00.000-07:00

Happy 23rd Birthday... yes, all those forks are for me. No messing around when it comes to dessert!

2005-05-18T18:46:00.000-07:00

Silly Dante and Quinn...

2005-05-18T18:45:00.000-07:00

Too many Scooby Snacks...?

2005-05-18T18:44:00.001-07:00

What hot ladies!

2005-05-18T18:44:00.000-07:00

The whole group - Rock Bottom Brewery

2005-05-15T21:38:00.000-07:00

I truly believe that God is a really funny guy. And maybe a bad driver, too.

Everyone Should Get Kitri Culbertson Day Off Of Work

2005-05-13T11:45:00.000-07:00

It's been 1 day since my 23rd birthday, 2 days until I go celebrate it in Portland with friends, 18 hours since I had dinner with my parents, 1 month since Jon and I stopping seeing each other, 5 months and 30 days until Katy's wedding, 40 hours until I get to see Jeni and hopefully Traci too, and 1 minute since I started thinking that this year will most definitely be a good one.

A lot has happened to me since my last birthday. I walked on a warm but sprinkly day across the graduation stage in the Oak Grove at Linfield. I started going to Credo and met a lot of people who are now close friends. I moved out of my childhood home and into a house with two other girls, one who then moved out, another who then moved in, and the whole time we were protected by the biggest German shepherd ever. Jon and I broke up. Jon and I planned to get married. Jon and I broke up again. I learned that your closest allies are often your girlfriends, and that your mom can also be one of those friends. I watched my best friend get engaged to the love of her life. Olivia visited me from New Jersey and after not seeing each other for three years we found that some friendships can pick right up where they left off after all that time. I got a substantial raise and a lot of frustration at work, but realized that sometimes a job is a lot more tolerable when you work with people you like.

I'm sure there are a lot of other things that happened in the past year... it's strange and wonderful to me how many things can happen to a person in a year, and, if I'm lucky enough to live until I'm old and gray, how many more of those years I'll have. God is pretty dang amazing, actually - I've had immeasurable happiness and indecipherable despair in the past year. It's fun and exciting, though, to sit back, take some time, and think about what all that means in the big picture. Who is God making me to be? What will I learn in the next year? What kind of windy, rocky roads and what kind of clear highways will He put in front of me?

I'm starting this new year with kind of a clean slate. I'm on the hunt for a new, more fulfilling career. I have no serious boy in my life to tie my thoughts to (although I may want one at least to play with before the year is up :o) - but we'll see about that). I'm at a place in my life where I have people around me who care about me and love me, but I don't feel tied down to any one place (certainly not Salem...). It's a freeing and wonderful place to be, and I'm really excited to find out what's around the corner.

I have a few goals for the year:

1. Travel more
2. Find a new career that I can feel stable in for at least a couple of years
3. Visit more old friends, more often
4. Get a puppy
5. Find a church body that I can feel comfortable and involved and grow in

I feel happy and at home with myself now for the first time in quite a while, and I'll be praying, and I hope you all out there will as well, too, that that feeling of safeness with myself will allow me to grow and accomplish amazing things. Hope to see you all soon!

Friends I Am Missing

2005-05-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

2005-05-06T20:22:00.000-07:00

Journalist Jeni - in Seattle, living and writing. A constant source of laughter and support for me. I'm looking forward to Atlanta in October. Go Mariners!

2005-05-06T20:18:00.000-07:00

Traci the Musician - just back from England, and searching for the perfect grad school. I miss the kind, soft, and kooky way she has about her.

2005-05-06T20:17:00.000-07:00

Best guy friend Quinn - come home from Santa Barbara!

2005-05-06T20:16:00.001-07:00

Olivia - I miss her! She's a brilliant and amazing woman who just got accepted to a prestigious program studying art at Rutgers and is very empathetic and loyal.

2005-05-06T20:16:00.000-07:00

Best friend Katy - in Seattle with fiance Steve now. She finds me great concert tickets and listens to everything I say, no matter how weird or sad or you-had-to-be-there funny. I love her, I'm looking forward to being her Maid of Honor in November!

Love Actually

2005-05-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I'll be. I've come to so many realizations in the past few weeks that I just don't know what to do with myself. It's strange sometimes, how we learn things - the situations we're in, the troubled times, the tired, long stretches of life, the fleeting happy moments. And it's funny, too, how you can be taught truths in the midst of lies, discover nuggets of reality that are buried in pretense, and learn more about someone in their absence from your life than you ever did in their presence.

Love is fickle, indeed. It lifts you up, puts you on higher ground, makes you feel like you are in fact a loveable person because, after all, someone loves you so it must be true. But where are you when, in the middle and end of it all, you find that that might have been true once, but it hasn't been for some time and certainly isn't now? And what do you do with yourself once you find out that you've invested every drop of your emotion into someone who only had a facade of investing theirs? Where do you go? What do you think? How do you feel... or stop feeling? Especially when there's a hint that there was someone else in the picture at the end, that set of knee-jerk sentiments of dread and self-hatred that tell you that, in the end, another person was easier to be with than you.

It's almost feels as if someone died. I keep expecting my phone to beep in the mornings to tell me that somewhere, someone is thinking about me on his way to work. I try to make calls at 'the usual time' to hear a familiar loving voice before I catch myself, knowing in my head that that voice doesn't exist anymore. I find myself looking forward to the weekend and the welcoming kisses at the arrivals gate at PDX. The giving and expectation of love lives on - but its focus is gone.

I hate to think that I could be dependant on another person for my self-worth. I've always been one of those people, that through hell or high water, believes in love above all things. When I'm actually in love, there is nothing that can break that - sadly, sometimes, even the other person. In the quote I posted last week, it is explained how Jesus confronted a woman who had felt like she needed a man in her life to fulfill the ache in her heart. I don't like to think that I'm like that - that I need a person to echo love back to me in order to feel that I am right with the world. Gladly, I don't feel like that in this situation. During everything, I felt like God was calling me to love one person with all my strength, no matter what shortcomings we both had, no matter the difficulty of location, no matter how ultimately unreachable his heart was. So I feel no guilt, no remorse - because it wasn't a selfish love on my part. I loved because I felt my love was desired and needed, because I wanted to learn how to love one person more and more every day. Perhaps, however, those feelings were misplaced. Perhaps, God taught me those lessons sooner than the subject of my affection. Perhaps, I am being continually shaped and molded into the awesome wife I am going to be someday for the man God chooses for me, and this was simply a long and painful tutorial on what selfish and unselfish love actually is.

Last night I heard a talk on one of the last parables Jesus told before he died, which told of 3 servants that were given 3 allotments of goods to invest and gain from before their master returned. They were given these things to invest based on their abilities... one could even say the opposite is true, that they were given certain abilities to invest. When the master returned, 2 of the 3 had risked everything but had nonetheless invested wisely and had a return on their investments, but 1 had buried what the master had given him in the ground out of fear. He was fully aware that as long as he invested what the master had given him in a smart way, he would gain a huge return, but he cowered from the idea that he might lose it all and so he buried it rather than lose anything.

Where am I going with this?

I truly believe that one of the talents God has given to me is the ability to love with a whole and pure heart, with not a desire to gain a sense of existence and importance by being loved but rather a desire to create that feeling of of worth in another person. I don't want to bury that in the ground like something dead - I want to risk everything and invest wisely in a person that is going to invest in me fully, too. I am saddened and sorry that I couldn't be that person in this most recent case, and I will miss dearly what we shared, because I felt like it was - and he was - something to worthy to invest in. I know in my heart, as difficult as it is to make my head believe it, that God will provide another, wiser opportunity for me, and him, to love deeply. And, in the end, I want God to look on me and the man I chose to love, smile and clasp our hands together and tell us, "Well done, my good and faithful servants."

Quote of the Day

2005-04-27T12:51:00.000-07:00

More thoughts on this later... let me know what you think.

"In no way does Jesus judge this woman... rather, He appeals to the desire of her heart, pointing out the dehumanizing cycle of her life that has driven her through relationship after relationship, none of which gave her lasting fulfillment. In a sense, this woman was looking for importance through a man, and Jesus walks up and says what you really need is God, what I have is living water; and if you drink of it, you will never thirst again. It is interesting to me that He offers Himself to the deepest need of man, not a religion, not a formula, but Himself. He offers to her a relationship that is more than romantic, more than just a balm for her heart."

- Donald Miller, Searching for God Knows What

"Sometimes life sucks, but it's kind of all we have..."

2005-04-13T10:13:00.000-07:00

I don't feel I have the strength I need to deal with events in my life right now. Please pray for me.

Take these hands
And lift them up
For I have not the strength
To praise You near enough
See, I have nothing
I have nothing without You

And take my voice and pour it out
Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found
For I have nothing
I have nothing without You

And all my soul needs is all Your love
To cover me, so all the world will see
That I have nothing without You

Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing
I have nothing without You

And all my soul needs is all Your love
To cover me so all the world will see
That I have nothing
That I love You

With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
And all the strength I can find
Take my time here on this earth
And let it glorify all that You are worth

For I am nothing
I am nothing without You

- Bebo Norman

2005-04-05T00:06:00.000-07:00

Psalm 25:16-18

Love is All Around

2005-03-30T18:45:00.000-08:00

My idea for posting the pictures last Wednesday was going to be so that I could share a few thoughts on how I see God showing Himself in all different kinds of relationships. Time and luck and work being what they are, however, this didn't get done (along with my laundry). So here we go.

I've had the fortune of looking a little deeper into the substances of my relationships lately. Some of this was forced by circumstance, some by mistake, but all of my thoughts were centered on how God works through, for, and with every relationship that we have, be it a love, or a close friend, or Grandma Tillie. What is it about our friendships and loves and families that create that sort of a bond, and what makes it go away? When a friendship or a love fades, does that mean that God has left the proverbial building?

The love that Plato talks about back in the Greek days was more of a force between two people than a relationship. I'm sure we've all heard of the 3 different types of love: platonic, familial, and romantic. Plato's love isn't what we normally think of when we imagine our moms or boyfriends or best buds - "love" was considered more of a desire to become one with an ideal. This love desired unity with an ultimate, a thoroughfare to a closeness with the idyllic principles of purity, goodness, and beauty. The sad thing is, and what most Greek tragedies are based on, is that this desire for archetype of greatness is always destined to go unfulfilled, most of the time in a painful way. Personally, I think that the Greeks, as with most things, had the right idea. Who isn't searching for the love of their lives, or trying to hang on to the one they have? Who isn't longing for companionship? Who isn't stuck with heartbreak when a parent passes away, a friendship dissolves, or a heart gets broken by romantic interest? Every human being on Earth goes through these stages of relationships - it as if our bonds with other people are "destined" to be not entirely fulfilling.

Now, I don't mean that our relationships aren't meaningful. God made Eve to be a companion, a helpmate, for a reason, and in doing so picked Adam up and out of his incurable loneliness (he was lonely even in Paradise, I might add). God meant for us to have relationships, we were meant to love each other, in many different ways. Obviously, my love for Jon is much different than the love I have for my best friend Katy, or my Mom. And I feel as if I received a new and varied love back from each of them. Donald Miller suggests in his book Searching for God Knows What that we need these relationships because we are all missing our lost relationship with God, and that our relationships fail nowadays because without the purity of God's love, we are somewhat doomed to be insecure and self-sabotaging when it comes to our love for and from others. If we look at the true tragedy of the Fall not as when people "turned bad" but rather as the point when humans lost their intimate closeness with God, then this theory is most definitely true. In Genesis 3:23, Adam and Eve are kicked out of Eden and lose that connection, the purest of all relationships - a oneness with God. So, even from a Biblical standpoint, the Greeks had it right - again.

Love in Platonic philosophy was not only about tragedy. Quite the contrary, these three types of "love" allowed a person's mind to more fully grasp the idea of perfection - their relationships gave them a joy of understanding. And really, in our relationships today, isn't that true? It is for me. Me being loved by Jon, by my mom, by my best friend, makes me feel like a loveable person, and more like the person that I would hope God sees me as, closer to the ideal of what God hoped I would be before that darn free will kicked in and I started messing up. Our relationships are a playground of hopes and dreams, where we can begin to comprehend, although just a little tiny bit, the love that God has for us.

So here's my idea: I'm going to love on people the way that I would hope God would be loving on me. If our friendships, our loves, our families and the love they freely give us makes our mental capacity for understanding God's love even a small amount larger, as Plato's theory would put it, we should all love as much as we possibly can.

As little Ellie said this weekend, that would be pretty "wighteous."

2005-03-23T23:54:00.000-08:00

Kitri and Katy in Las Vegas 2003

2005-03-23T23:53:00.000-08:00

Roommates in Portland

2005-03-23T23:52:00.000-08:00

Katy, Traci, Jeni and Kitri in Portland

Money - Going, Going, Gone

2005-03-17T11:32:00.000-08:00

So I know I said last week I would write about Christianese, but that is a blog that will require a bit of research, which in turn requires a little bit of something called patience and another little something called thought that, quite frankly, I don't really have either of right now.

I would like to mention a little something about money. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm one of those tax-filers that is on the phone on February 1st wondering where the heck my W-2s are. I always tend to claim a little bit too much, so come this time of year I'm getting get a fat check (not too fat though; I don't want that darned government investing my hard earned cash instead of me!).

I'll admit it. I love getting money. I like the feel of it in my hands, I like the numbers my ATM receipt spits back at me, I love going out to dinner, opening new CDs, treating myself to new clothes. Most people who know me also know that I'm pretty frugal - I actually save (instead of spend) a huge portion of my paycheck each month, and the majority of my tax refund check went to paying off my car.

It's more than that, though, more than just numbers in an account somewhere. The amount of money I make, in my mind, equals my worth as a career woman. Recently, I got a raise, a somewhat significant raise, not so that I can buy a yacht but so that I can comfortably pay my bills each month, fly to visit my Cali boyfriend every 4 weeks, and have some left over to invest and spend as I choose. That raise, even though it was just a little more every month, made me feel just a little more important.

And I hate that. I hate that what I earn equals what I am. What if I lost my job? Because I was making nothing, would I be nothing? I know that's not even remotely true... and I know that I've trained myself (and tricked myself) into beleiving that it is.

I also know that the church deserves my money... it's something about rich people and camels and needles and heaven. The church, specifically Morning Star, the church I attend, does more work for God's people than I could ever do. Work for God's people takes money. I have money. in fact, I have extra money. And I want to do (and help other people do) God's work. Why, then, is it so hard for me to part with it?

A friend of mind told me this year at Christmas time that as she was passing a Salvation Army bellringer, she felt a strange conviction to put money - not just spare coins but actual dollars - in the red pot. Then, just ahead of her, she saw a man reach into his wallet and stuff a bill into the little slot. For a split second, she thought it was a one-dollar bill, but as he was folding it so it would fit, she noticed there were two extra zeros. He just slipped it in the pot and kept walking.

I wish I could do that, and feel that free. Sometimes, the more money I have in savings, the more tied down I feel. Each decimal place is another knot. So that's my goal for this month - to start making an effort to give some of my money for a Greater Good. After all, it's God's money anyway.

Some Links I Like and Some You Should

2005-03-10T16:16:00.000-08:00

So I've got some links for y'all. I tried to post these on Tuesday, but the Power that Is caused my computer to get all screwy. Sometime soon I'm going to post some thoughts on Christianese... for anyone who has ever been slightly turned off by phrases such as "born again," "washed in the blood of the Lamb," and "carrying your own cross." For now, here you are:

http://mywritersgroup.typepad.com
- The blog site of an up-and-coming Christian publishing magnate, Jon's older brother and generally cool guy, Mick Silva. This is a great site that everyone should check out often for some original Christian thoughts (what a relief!) and some interesting insights on what it's like to work in Christian publishing. I've shamelessly stolen some of his links for this list.

www.emergingchurch.info
- Just what it sounds like - great info and inspiration for the "new movement" and the "emergent church." Don't know what that is? Get educated on it. It's cool.

www.bluelikejazz.com
- Homesite of author Don Miller, of Blue Like Jazz and Searching for God Knows What fame. This guy tells it like it is. If you haven't picked up these books yet, put it on your to do list. He's a native of Portland, and that's reason enough to like him right there.

www.burnsidewriterscollective.com
- Where local artists, writers, musicians, and Christians collide. Don Miller. Join the movement.

http://www.ankenybriefcase.com/- A new publication being put together by the above mentioned artists, writers, and musicians. Submit works to this exciting new publication. But watch out for the pretentious use of Roman numerals.

www.powells.com/subsection/ChristianityComingSoon.html
- Although the name makes it sound like Christianity is the next Bruce Willis movie coming out, this is actually a pretty cool part of the Mecca I call Powell's that lists upcoming Christian fiction and non-fiction. Keep your eyes on this one, O Learning Ones.

www.relevantmagazine.com
- If you like the magazine, you'll like the site. If you don't know the magazine, you'll like the site anyway. Geared toward twentysomething Christians and their faith. There's some cool articles and links to books, as well.

http://www.imagodeicommunity.com/- A postmodern church in Portland that emphasizes concern for the human struggle, not necessarily just proving a point. Listen to recorded sermons online and be moved.

www.theooze.com
- "Conversation for the journey." And it is. Check it out if you like the whole emergent church idea and getting out there and doing something instead of just thinking about it.

I hope you enjoy these - let me know what you think of them and if you have any that you would like me to add!

Grilled Cheese Prayers

2005-03-07T14:04:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I don't remember things well. Sometimes, though, I have these moments of clarity in which I remember meaningless scenes from my past. These are sometimes fun, rarely useful, and always entertaining. So today, while I was sitting outside eating my lunch and reading my Don Miller, I was thinking about why we pray for things we don't really want, and I remembered this time back in my waitressing days when a mom was praying with her daughter before eating. I remember the mom was one of those crazy hippie ladies you only find working at Christmas tree farms in Eugene, and I remember thinking at the time that she looked like she should be having a picnic with the children of the forest instead of at the somewhat classy brewery I worked at. The daughter looked pretty normal in her booster seat, and she started to pick up her grilled cheese when her mom gave her The Look - the one that means We Pray Before We Eat, Dear. Those moments, the times when I saw people bow their heads over their food when they thought no one was watching, often stood out to me because they were so rare.

Now, before you go thinking this is an entry about why we should pray before we eat, try to remember other times you have heard children of the 4-6 year-old variety pray. What they have to say is at times incredibly poignant for all its simplicity. The little girl, still holding her sandwich like it might get away, said, "Dear Jesus, thank you for my sandwich and mommy and the sunny day." She paused and looked at her mom, who urged her to continue. All in one breath, she said "And thank you for the rainy days too, because I don't want to be mean to them. Amen." And on the "-men" she took a big bite of her grilled cheese for emphasis.

I always used to think it was obnoxious when Christians would thank God for things they weren't thankful for. "Dear Lord, thank you that my dad is a drunk, drugged up jerk because in jail he's beginning to get to know You." It was as if the fact that they were suffering made their honest wish, that the dad in the prayer would come to know Jesus, all the more stronger. Like the little girl, they thank God in prayer for the rainy days when all day they hope for sun.

Sometimes I beat myself up because I know some of my prayers aren't really real. I'll pray for resistance to some sort of temptation, when I know I'm going to do it again regardless, like the dieter who says they'll start their regimen right after the huge bowl of Cherry Garcia with all the toppings. Of course, in one part of me, the small small good part that knows I'm not the center of everyone else's universe, I really do mean and wish for exactly what I'm asking and I really am thankful for what I tell God I'm thankful for. But more often than I'd like to admit, I talk to God about things that aren't even remotely the issues I'm struggling with, but more like vague subtopics. I'll catch myself in a half-lie to God, asking Him for help in a certain area that I honestly have no intention on working on fixing in myself. Or, I don't talk to God at all. Real smart. Why is prayer so hard? In this growing postmodern Christian culture that emphasizes action instead of lip service and actually displaying through deeds what we believe, why do we - and by 'we' I really mean 'I' - have such a hard time talking to Jesus like the understanding and loving friend He is?

Careers and Christianity... Friends or Foes?

2005-03-04T11:47:00.000-08:00

My mom always told me that no matter what I ended up doing when I grew up (I have yet to find out if I'm yet at that point), she wanted me to be happy. Of course, I think most moms feel that way; it's the mom-like thing to do. I've discovered lately, though, that for me it's not about how to create and manage and grow happiness and satisfaction in my career, it's about creating and managing and growing myself as a Christian. Although I pick up the vibe from my fellow Career Christians that work is a place for work and church is a place for God, I find the fact that nearly every day one half of my waking life is spent at my job difficult to ignore.

It's easy, sometimes much too easy, to put God on the back burner when we have 6 bosses to answer to and those TPS reports needed to be done yesterday. In fact, I tend to simply forget about God when I'm at work because I'm so totally focused on on reporting financials at our morning meetings, or making sure that sales this month are greater than those of this month last year. Often, I find myself walking in the door of my house after a mentally draining day at my job and thinking, "What did I really do today?" Jesus said that "my food is to do the will of him who sent me, and to accomplish his work" (John 4:34). I know this is something we should all strive for, but let's be serious, not everyone can be a missionary or a Sunday school teacher. There has to be Starbucks baristas and teachers and accountants and marketing go-to girls. We need these jobs to survive in this world, in this culture, and to put food on the table. But in these careers that we are so careful in protecting and growing and nuturing, are we being spiritually fed? How can we tell in our everyday jobs if we are doing God's work - or ours?

The part of this that is very hard to swallow for me is that I was trained, as a semi-intelligent, clear headed and ambitious young lady in high school and college that I could "be anything I wanted to be" and that I "shouldn't let anything hold me back" from being a CEO of a huge business empire, a partner in a law firm, or an owner of a national sports team. I was always told to "look towards the future," so instead of having fun during the summers between college years I worked my ass off at internships at a publishing company and at the Portland World Trade Center, hoping that those would look sufficient enough on my resume that I would get hired somewhere with good earning potential and room to advance - so I could climb the various corporate ladders and hope to "make something of myself." And the training paid off. I want this. I want to be important and I want to be successful. But more importantly I want to be joyful and live a life that God might someday shake my hand and say, "Hey, not too bad. You made a mighty fine go at it." Is there a way to do both?

No one who is writing this blog right now disagrees that we can't all be monks in robes and live lives of quiet solitude for the Lord. Some of us were meant to be in the world (but not of it), playing around in the sandbox with the other kids and hoping to make some sort of a difference. And so I guess when it comes down to the nitty gritty, my feeling is that even though I'm not cut out to be a head pastor somewhere, I can still put food on the table and do my job with a smile on my face and dreams in my eyes and goals for the Lord in my heart.

So here's what I say: answer those bosses, get those TPS reports done. All the little stuff you can go ahead gut a fish on. As for me, I'll go on climbing the corporate ladder and pray that at each rung my focus will not be on furthering myself, but in furthering God's cause.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

2005-03-01T14:14:00.000-08:00

I have this theory on how good and bad days work. Think of it like this: about every month or two I seem to have a week where everything is going great, and a week where I wish everyone would crawl back under their rocks and stop bothering me. It seems like everyone has these big cycles, where life in general takes pretty big swings up and down like a sound wave in a science book: a long wavy line with high points and low points like hills a long way away. This wave, for me at least, tends to move with major events, life decisions, and other important-sounding things.

However, it seems like every week or so I do a miniature version of this too, only this time the peaks and valleys are much more defined to me but probably less noticeable to people around me. These are the swings my feelings take, and they are directly affected by conversations, daily tasks and excitements and frustrations, and other menial-sounding things.

So now we have two wavelengths, and for experiment's sake let's say the length is the course of a year. And also for this explanation, let's put one on top of the other. The peaks and valleys are the same height on each one, but the first wavelength is rolling, with maybe only 10 or so peaks, while the second has 50 or so jagged peaks and valleys. Can you see it in your head? I think you can.

At various times, the highest highs and the lowest lows of each wave hit the same spot at the same time. For me, this happens maybe 4 or 5 times a year. For some people it happens a lot more often, for some fewer. I believe the common phrase for someone with more common peaks and canyons is "dramatic," while the lingo for someone with fewer is "laid back." In either case, I'm in the middle. Well, middle right, much like my politics.

At times, when I feel like I might be heading into a low spot, I treat my life like a cat going into a bath, clawing and scratching and generally looking and acting like death is surely upon me. This was happening over the past few days, but wonder of wonders, it didn't take much to get me out of the tub - I simply prayed this morning for Jesus to slap me upside the head and show me that life is too fun to get hung up on the crappy stuff. Sometime between 7:25 and 8:35 this morning, I looked up and realized that I had gotten that smack and hadn't even noticed it.

As the smiley face someone has drawn on the toilet paper holder of my favorite bathroom stall reminds me daily (although at times it does it mockingly), life is good. No need to be like a cat on a way to the tub when one quick swipe of the paw from God can have me back sitting on a fencepost and feeling pretty dang good about where I am.

Hats Off to Mr. Botts

2005-02-28T16:18:00.000-08:00

Some of my blog following (I'll be expecting exactly 4 comments back on this, by the way) will remember an item from the Harry Potter stories called Bertie Botts' Every-Flavor Beans. If you are not familiar with this delicious and at times surprising sugary snack, the explanation is simple: instead of the same boring jelly bean flavors we're all familiar with such as blueberry, cotton candy, and watermelon, you can now savor a box of jelly beans in every imaginable flavor. So, not only are you getting the same delicious berry, candy, and citrus tastes, you also now receive such beans as earwax, dirt, grass, and vomit.

And let me tell you, Bert did his R and D on his beans. These flavors taste exactly like their namesakes. The buyer must beware of thinking a certain emerald colored bean will be a tasty watermelon, when in reality it is a zesty grass flavored bean so similar in taste to actual grass that it evokes memories of the big kid on the playground holding you down and shoving cut grass in your face until you give him (or her) the four-square ball.

I've discovered that on some days, life itself is very similar to Mr. Botts' delectable selection of beans. One could potentially reach into the box all day long pulling out cherries and strawberries, but wouldn't you know it, late in the day and without looking you pop one in your mouth and hope for the best.

Ew. Vomit again.

65 Degrees and Partly Distracted

2005-02-24T14:16:00.000-08:00

Ah, the weather here in my hometown is absolutely gorgeous. No one takes an Oregonian seriously when a statement like that is made, because normally a "gorgeous" day is one where you don't walk around with soggy shoes and your hair in a general frizz. But it's true. In college, we used to say that we knew all of the out-of-staters on sight because not only did they use umbrellas (*gasp*) they also wore hoods (what wimps). But today, the sun is shining, there isn't a cloud in the sky, all the mountains are out, and the air is crisp and warm.

During my lunch I took a long walk around downtown. I felt so restless during work that I just had to get out, and when I finally managed to break free from management, it was all I could do not to take off in a run toward the park by the waterfront. I think I did run a little bit, now that I mention it. How utterly unprofessional and fun of me.

Weather like this always seems to make me feel restless, as does a restrictive job position. I might have overstepped my rookie status when I called the president of my company on two things he said that were wrong this morning in our morning meeting. He wanted a project started that he seemed to have forgotten that he told everyone was grossly over-budget two months ago. I got chewed out for using the expensive bright-white paper for letters to clients, while he is planning on using a charter jet to fly employees to and from our servicing office on the other side of the mountains. I got only half the raise I was promised because of budget issues, and two weeks later we hired a 20 year veteran banker for a project that doesn't relate to our core business at all.

Bright white paper = $6 a ream
Charter jet = $225 a seat for a 120 mile flight
Standing up and dramatically yelling "I quit!" instead of getting your free will sucked out... priceless.

Ah, I could only hope.

I find myself waiting with more and more of a fervency for April to come along. I feel distracted and restless, wanting to get back to my roots of running, writing, travelling and trying to be intellectual in general. I'm so out of touch with thinking of fun things to write down that even this blog site embarrasses me just a little bit with it's college freshman style. I have to (sometimes painfully) tear myself away from daydreams of teaching English and God's love to kids on tiny Greek islands somewhere, wearing cutoffs all the time, and canoeing to work everyday on the ocean. I have the opportunity to move to California and at least have the consistent warm weather - I don't know why it's so difficult for me to break from my Jetta-driving, Nordstrom-wearing, working-for-the-man self and be happy about the idea of California.

Maybe I'm just too much of a webfooted, homebodied, walk-in-the-rain-with-no-hood Oregonian.

Why Bad Things Happen To Good People, and Other Things That Suck In General

2005-02-22T13:22:00.000-08:00

Ancient question... why does God let bad things happen to good people? (Okay, maybe not good people because that's a pretty impossible standard, but people who trust in the Lord.) Of course, He doesn't want sin and death and plagues and burglary to happen. And nothing happens that God doesn't allow. So why do they even exist? Obviously, they didn't in Eden, and it was only after Eve ate the fruit, denied God and Adam jumped in that those things were released into the world like Pandora's Box.
So let's say, just an example here, that someone tries to break into your house and kill you. And God had to have allowed for it to happen, because it did happen, and nothing happens without God's say-so. But God is perfect, he can't be evil or malicious. So is He the one pulling the strings and causing the bad things to happen, or is it Satan doing the dirty work, and God has to allow for it because until the end times there has to be evil in the world that He can't stop? That, however, opens up another can of worms because I just wrote that God can't stop something, when of course He can do anything He darn well pleases; He can't can't do anything.
It's like a theorem in geometry: God is good and perfect and everything happens through Him. Therefore, everything must be good and perfect. Something bad happens. Therefore, God cannot be good and perfect. But wait... that's not right...
Maybe God has perfect plans set up for our lives, but because we sin and mess up, the world that His perfect plan is made for is flawed, so the plan has to be tailored a bit to include the things that really suck. Or, maybe His plan for how we are when we come and visit Him after death is perfect, and the only way He can shape us into the people He wants to let bad things happen. Or both. Hmm.

Post One - The First Thoughts

2005-02-20T22:35:00.000-08:00

Sadly, this posting place for my general thoughts was not my idea at all. My boyfriend (fiance? really good friend? significant other of a serious sort?) Jon and I discussed why we should continue to be the careful and smart postmodern freethinking Christians we know we are and how we should learn as much as we possibly can regarding non-religious spirituality. I have no idea where to start.
My main stubling block is that although I love the refreshingly brain-warming theories on how the church should function in today's world and how to grow as a people loving person when general vibes everywhere are sometimes shockingly negative and sarcastic, I don't have the background in the Bible and what I feel are the basic things every Christian should know. Stories that Jon grew up being told every Sunday are still, in a lot of ways, new to me as a semi-recent Christian. It's disappointing, really, that in the years that I have been a Christian I haven't tried much to grow more in that area. My one attempt to take a class on the Old Testament was somewhat depressing - I showed up thinking I'd learn stories of creation and floods and holy wars, and instead I spent the first week wondering what in the heck YHWH was and what it stood for, trying to figure out the many tribes, which ones were good and which were evil, and jumping feet first into 1 and 2 Samuel and the different opinions on authors and kings that turned from God. If anything, I was more confused and frustrated after taking that class than I was before - probably because I realized how much history and background of the God I believe in that I missed by becoming a Christian while a teen instead of a toddler.
I feel like studying up on today's Christian theory would be good for me, but at the same time it feels again like jumping in feet first, and that scares me, mostly because I don't want to end up with a bunch of complicated and advanced theories and notions in my head which are based on my own personal foundation of sand. I want to know all I can about the history of God in the world and how the creation of the universe has led all the way from two crazy kids in an apple orchard to me typing on this computer.
My effort tonight has been to research postmodern theology online, just to find out what it really means and what I can learn about it. I've also ordered a few books by an author from my home state, Don Miller, which should arrive later this week. My plan is to read these books (which come very highly recommended by a few Christians that I trust - Jon's mom and Jon's brother) and anytime I run across a phrase, an idea, or a reference that I don't know about, to research the crap out of it. My ultimate goal is to become a Christian who can feel comfortable in my faith not only because I believe it in my heart but because I believe it in my mind.